Greetings all,
This is the "goofy guy" as my wife so kindly put during our wedding ceremony while the coveted vows were taking place. I take no offense to that as most people who know me would say far worse. I imagine after 3 years of marriage my lovely espoused has some choice words as well! Naturally I take offense to very little as a personality like mine has garnered a great deal of head shaking. Though in the process I have found a few things that are offensive to me and I would like to share that with you all as I have finally come to a few conclusions, and here is one of them.
I have been locked in a mortal battle with underwear all my life. I despise them and they me. As I get older I find that I like them less and less but recently I have come to an impasse. Now I could go on for days regarding my dislike for underwear but I will spare you the details for now, because for now, I want to talk about a medical condition known to construction workers who get a lot of windshield time in between periods of hard labor. This condition is only present and oh so unsightly (in fact I can't even imagine what it would look like) during the summer and available to all should you like to try and familiarize yourself with it. I imagine my brothers in the south truly take exception to this condition as the humidity worsens it by pounds. But read on because not only do I have the condition but I have THE ANSWER as well. Its a little known condition called swampus assus. I get severe bouts of swampus assus after being on a roof for a few hours in the heat then taking my chariot to my next location. My next location may be a half hour or more so it gives the sweat time to drain. And down it goes. and there it sits. As I stated earlier underwear are useless and should wick the sweat but they don't. So I hate them. And viola' swampus assus is born. The heat, the sweat, the moisture ,and I am convinced the a/c in the van makes it worse. By the time I get home, I have to waddle like a duck into the shower due to the chaffing. I have tried baby powder, anti monkey assus (its real they sell it at Sportsmans), Tinactin ( oh does that burn!), all sorts of powders creams and gels and nothing. I recently have been trying diaper rash cream. No shite, 32 years old and I use diaper rash ointment! If your laughing at me then you have never really had swampus assus which is followed by jungle knuts and trust me you don't want anything to do with that! But here is my actual impasse. It wasn't the diaper cream that worked. It was the undies. My unyielding dislike has flinched and I no longer know how to feel. I am scared and alone without my passion to dislike my skiivies. I wear the boxer brief style and it is my arch nemesis that brings me relief. You see boxers will not do as they are too loose and briefs will not work as they have no leg port.
Thats right boys hike those mothers up as far as you can! Pull hard! Embrace the wedgie and your Swamp A will be gone for good. The key to undies is they have to be tight to rid one of such a dire condition. And they have to have a legging. So if you have had kids allready and you get this the tight undie is the answer. Besides if you go a size smaller it makes everything look bigger! Good Luck and God Bless (ps, mom I'm sorry this is all I have really learned in 32 years....)
-Todd
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